Today marks exactly two months since my mother passed. In her last moments she was in a coma on a ventilator and eventually that itself was not enough and we had to make the hard decision to end life support. Most days I manage through the grief and the painful moments and I focus on the good memories. Most days I put one foot in front of the other and I keep moving. Most days I try to focus on something good and something true and something solid each day. I find something…anything that will give me JOY. Most days that’s Jasmine’s face and my husband’s hugs or my dog’s cuddles. Most days I just keep swimming. But the nights. The God forsaken nights. That’s when I’m no longer needed to keep the world spinning. Everyone I’m responsible for is tucked away soundly in bed. The laundry has been folded the kitchen cleaned. No little sticky hands are pulling at my dress, no little voices are whining for my attention or bombarding me with laughter and giggles. There are no more distractions and grief comes upon me like a ton of bricks. I reread the last texts she sent me, when we all knew the outlook was grim. I relive the last moments in the hospital watching her gasp for air. I comb over her messages to me, as she was unable to breathe and unable to type much but she made sure she said she “loved all off us”. I read that text over and over and Grief crashes so soundly over me until I’m unable to breathe as well. I think of everything I’ve lost and every moment that has been stolen from me. I cry for all the stories I forgot to write down and all the recipes I forgot to remember. I cry for every moment that life continues to bring JOY to me that I no longer have her to witness. She was my biggest supporter and my biggest cheerleader. She was my witness to life. Without her here things do not feel real, accomplishments ring hollow. I know she sees us, I know she’s at peace and she’s watching proudly, but I miss feeling her love. I ache to share every new thing with my mom. Every wonderful amazing thing that’s happened this past month is joyful but it also stings because my mom is not here to celebrate with us. The fruit of any of my labors just doesn’t taste the same when she’s not around to revel in it with us. In the morning I will wake up to a curly haired angel baby smiling at me telling me she had a dream about me and she dreamed it was time to get up and play. This is how she wakes me up every morning. And I will get up and remember how blessed I am in so many ways and I will try my best to find some joy in the moments. I will do my best to pour love back in to the universe and keep my world moving forward. But the nights. Those deep dark long nights. They take my breathe away…
The Chandler Crew 